Don Bezos to shareholders: "Please. Take a seat."
Eels at a Japanese aquarium have become so shy from not seeing humans during lockdown, that staff aren't able to care for their health. Now the aquarium is calling for volunteers to FaceTime the lonely eels: the goal of this 3-day "face showing" festival is "not forgetting the existence of humans." Got me in my eel-ings.
April saw the biggest monthly stock market gains since 1987 — As states start re-opening for real in May, we'll see if they stay this high (the S&P 500 is just 16% off record highs).
Be humble. Sit down.... "You may want to take a seat" is not exactly a phrase shareholders want to hear in an earnings announcement. But that's exactly what Amazon told investors to do as it reported results from the Jan - March quarter. First, Amazon dropped key stats that revealed a lockdown-related sales surge (hoarding, confirmed):
Okay, now actually take a seat.... Amazon proceeded to explain that in the upcoming quarter, it expects to make around $4B in profit. Then, Amazon explained that investors can kiss that $4B in profit goodbye:
Profiting from a disaster is a bad look... and Amazon doesn't want to look like it's doing that, especially since its sales surge was clearly related to the pandemic. For Amazon, the way customers and employees perceive it in the long run is more important than a few billion in profit. That's why Amazon went on to list 34 bullet points about everything it's doing to help employees, customers, and communities. It chose PR over profits.
Biggest non-shocker of the year... You wouldn't have imagined it in 2019, but by now even your salamander knows that Clorox is crushing it. Sales jumped a lemon-scented 15%, Clorox's biggest quarterly sales jump in ten years. Cleaning products jumped 32% on their "99.9% of germs"-killing prowess. But what shocked investors is how Clorox even raised its economic forecast for the year — it thinks obsessive germ-quashing isn't a fad, but a long-term behavioral shift.
Team(s) work makes the dream work... Microsoft's last quarter was barely affected by the corona-conomy (if anything, they got a boost). Investors couldn't hear anything but the deafening sound of Microsoft's cloud success and 22% pop in profit. Remote collaboration tool Microsoft Teams was the belle of the earnings ball: daily users soared 70%, from 44M in mid-March to 75M at the end of April. Oh btw — Teams has video conferencing built in, so it's now coming for Zoom's head, which it basically calls a one-trick pony.
I'm blue, Da-ba-dee, A-di-das... Stan Smith legend Adidas saw its profits fall 96% last quarter — the sportswear brand blamed the fact that 70% of its global stores were shut. According to Adidas' CEO, sales abruptly fell off a cliff mid-March. A 35% jump in online sales wasn't enough to offset massive in-store losses — Now Adidas predicts sales will plunge another 40% over the next 3 months.
Not the good kind of burn... Plane-making giant Boeing burned through $4.7B last quarter, as coronavirus losses and 737 Max issues continue to widen the gap between how much money it's shelling out (a lot) and how much it's bringing in (not much). It only delivered 50 planes, compared to 149 during the same period last year. And Boeing still has big bills to pay each month — that's why it just raised $25B in debt on top of the $15.5B in cash it already had. It's eager to prove to investors that it won't have a layover in Chapter 11 bankruptcy.
Disclosure: Authors of this Snacks own shares of Amazon, Shopify, Microsoft, and Beyond Meat